@OakHill_

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

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@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@bjaynash

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

@lecalabara

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@wolfpupy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@HousewifePlus

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

@subtweetopath

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

@corinnemlwsw

This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.

@JimMcCue

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?