*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.


I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis


Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo


My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.


If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.


This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.


I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?