As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!