Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.