@Dad_At_Law

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

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@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

@Andee_Stewart

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

@tomipuff

I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

@KyleSmells

[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@smilely_gal

7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
7: “Maybe”

Holy hell.

@StephenKing

Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.

@LurkAtHomeMom

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

@LuvPug

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

@TeaAndCopy

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.