Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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🙅🏻
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
This week’s mood.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes