Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
[god inventing sleep]
god: people can have a little death, as a treat
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.