Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist


I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing


I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand


[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat


[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?



7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
7: “Maybe”

Holy hell.


Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.


5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday


It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.


MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.