Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Yoga Matt
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.