Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.


With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute


[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes


I’ve been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?


Fun prank:

1: steal your married friends phone

2: change your name to “Brandi from the club”

3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM


Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*


Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.


My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.


In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man