Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
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With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I’ve been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?
1: steal your married friends phone
2: change your name to “Brandi from the club”
3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man