Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I need better friends
can you read it!!??
maan!
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.