You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
This is my emotional support knife.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not