If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.