Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Noted.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
And then there were 4
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?