@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

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@LittleMissAngr1

Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.

@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

@TrickleVaryTea

Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.

@Vice_Queen

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

@rationalists

The term “mentally ill” is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.

@Douchekevin

Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.

@English_Channel

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

@jordan_stratton

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.