@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

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@Terdoh

I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.

The universe has spoken.

@PinkLipschitz

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

@Nikkeya08

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

@UncleDuke1969

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@funflaps

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it