Them: I’m so sorry!
Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
You Might Also Like
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
The term “mentally ill” is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.
Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.