Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!