@VerbsRProudest

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

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@garrettbarry70

*First date.

Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”

@BunAndLeggings

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

@mydmac

I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.

@ninjadinosaur1

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

@JVarsityCaptain

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@JoleenDoreen

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

@ConanOBrien

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.