Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.
FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.