[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
This headline is a thing of beauty