According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
This was the best day of my life
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on