[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *