Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys