Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.