Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.