[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed
Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?
Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.