@MoosePunch

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

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@ErrenMichaels

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

@simoncholland

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

@kumailn

“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed

@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

@HighOnDrunk

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

@SteveSuckington

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

@slimmy_shady

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

@knot_eye

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

@JustDontBugMe

Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?

Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.

@BuckyIsotope

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.