ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
but was it fire…?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!
Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*