“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I have a place for everything. The floor.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?