“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people