“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.