owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
You Might Also Like
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
You have been warned.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall