‘There’s lots of other fish in the sea.’
Me, burning dinner.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)