Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.