Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.