I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too