@Daily__Owls

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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@ianpauldukes

HER: sharks can smell blood from miles away

ME: *flossing for the first time in months* lock the door

@DRUNKHULK

THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@Parkerlawyer

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@RodLacroix

Kids math word-problems should be more realistic, like:

Your car is worth $3000 on a trade-in but you still owe $3700 on it. Then your “check engine” light comes on and the service department says you need a $4600 transmission.

Question: How many towels should you throw in?

@AimByWhiskey

Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.

@cluedont

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

@Spaziotwat

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”