@Daily__Owls

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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@FrazzleMyGimp

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

@mela_shea

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

@offbeatoliv

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

@SortaBad

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@jonnysun

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

@SamGrittner

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

@JohnFugelsang

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons