Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Livid.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”