Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.
Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.
Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
God: you have no bones.
God: and no brain.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.