@GlennyRodge

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

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@PondHockeyPro

Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?

@SvnSxty

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

@aggierican

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

@TheAlexNevil

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

@mrjohndarby

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

@_steamy_mac

From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

@sammyrhodes

Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.