Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
You Might Also Like
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My new favorite headline
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m good, thanks.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
beware of dog
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
SCARY COSTUME
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻