@GlennyRodge

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

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@daemonic3

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@FU_TangClan

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

@DrCephalopod

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

@GoldenSpirals

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

@KimmyMonte

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

@TheRolo

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.