Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*
Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?