dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
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Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
If only.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance