Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I support this random dude and all his protests
#titanic
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass