@ArfMeasures

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

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@Dadpression

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@ZoeeSom

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

@English_Channel

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

@Ideal_Victoria

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?