@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

You Might Also Like

@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@RidiculousSheri

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

@HenpeckedHal

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@internetluke

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

@brocketxyz

My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, “I WANT MOMMY,” whenever my wife sends me into his room.

@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.