Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Flowers bee like
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.