@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

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@Tmoney68

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@Carbosly

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

@tiemoose

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

@Devoguido

Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.

@mortimermaiden

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

@KimJongSean

The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed

@nicfit75

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

@PinkCamoTO

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.