So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
him: hey have you ever seen house
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.