Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]