Me: goodnight kids
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…