Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…