First date with a hummingbird:
You’re moving too fast.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
70% of writing is writ?
If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.
ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
It’s lunch time