Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.