P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

- @david8hughes

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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.


[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!


[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building


Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.


As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.


Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?


I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.