PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
You Might Also Like
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
How to make infinite energy.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.