PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
RT if you could go either way.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer