Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?