[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
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{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.