@starwuxian

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

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@KeetPotato

“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
“no he..”
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back

@Iowkeybrook

netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season

@Tmoney68

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

@UncleBob56

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

@Love_bug1016

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

@HardmanRick

Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Oh my… not that close. I can’t breathe. How are you so strong? LET ME GO TINY DANCER

@SvnSxty

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

@Grommit56

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

@hazelmotes1

I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

@TheMichaelRock

7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!

Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.