*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”