@IndecisiveJones

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

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@psybermonkey

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

@unravelingfire

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

@midnitesoc

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

@IRLPepperMD

“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
“Now!”
*t-rex panics*

@leakypod

going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner

@chadopitz

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

@ktmcburr

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.