Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
😍😂🥰😂😍
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead