@IndecisiveJones

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

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@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

@TwinSurvivalist

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.

@SondraDeeMe

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

@PatsATweetin

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@Playing_Dad

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”