Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

You Might Also Like


[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?


Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.


“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.


“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”


“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
*t-rex panics*


going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner


Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.


“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.