Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?