*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.