*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Good morning.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco