I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.