{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Never ghost your hitman.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!