Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Great Canadian literature.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.