@mom_ontherocks

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

? she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ?

@richwilens

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

@IvoryGazelle

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

@bourgeoisalien

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@LilBlueBlood

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!